Morning, February 10, 2015: Noticing, mirroring, making light of this heavy heart.

This morning I was in a (rare) funk. Noticed it. How everything I looked at seemed lifeless, boring, with no charge. Noticed how, once again — as so often throughout my loooooong life — I kept asking myself, in a manner both serious and flippant: “What am I still doing here?”

Sitting down to a typical breakfast of smoothie (greens, yogurt, avocado, lemon, hemp hearts, water) and gluten-free toast with coconut oil and almond butter, you’d think I would have been “happy” to be privileged to indulge in such deliciousness early on a bleak February morning by the fire with puppy Shadow. Usually I am! But not on this day. . . Now keep in mind, all this time, I was noticing that I was feeling down, depressed. As if the life force, usually so abundant, had just abandoned my body and being. Gone somewhere else, or just whisked out of the entire universe. For that IS how it felt. And I DID notice it. And kept on noticing . . . how the kinds of things I was picking up on this morning, with my ipad as I ate and sipped, mirrored my internal state — all “downers.” Worthwhile downers, to be sure, but still . . .

For example, of course, in this mood, I was drawn to the latest Archdruid Report and the always incisive commentaries underneath it. As usual, John Michael Greer gravely elucidated how the whole she-bang is going downhill fast.

As Night Closes In

In this case, he was paying tribute to the recently deceased author of the seminal little book “Overshoot,” which he said, helped to wake him up to the impossibility of our human/planetary predicament decades ago.

Just the front cover is instructive.

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I could stop here, but I won’t. From that post I was drawn to another way to mirror my poignant internal state — a sweet little video on the possibility and necessity of “Degrowth”— made by one of our dear young ones whose future is very much in question. Via grist.org.

A deeper consideration of our human and planetary predicament took me to Dave Pollard, his perceptive new post, a personal contemplation of the importance and difficulty of responding to the three directives within Tim Leary’s famous remark —

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out

Do read the entire piece. I excerpt from his concluding paragraphs:

So here I sit, Tuned In, trying unsuccessfully to Turn On, and getting ready to Drop Out . . .

These days I feel impatient, dissatisfied and restless, and am not exactly sure what to do with myself each day, or what I am meant to do with with the rest of my life. I have reluctantly realized that I can’t hide from stress and am going to have to live with a lot of uncertainty, ambiguity, seeming lack of accomplishment, and continuing lack of personal resilience for quite a while yet, and perhaps for the rest of my life. Still, at what seems to be another turning point in my life, I am extraordinarily grateful for all I have and how easy my life is compared to most people’s. Unlike most people struggling to survive in an increasingly harsh world, I have had the luxury of sufficient time and resources to Tune In, Turn On, and Drop Out. Far from being a slogan about escapism and irresponsibility, it is, I think, a path to becoming a model of how to live during collapse, and showing others how to do likewise. I believe it would be foolish not to take it.

——

Agreed. Make of oneself and one’s life a model for how to incorporate internally, and manifest externally, the blessings invoked by these climactic times. Meanwhile, still noticing my own heavy heart, I feel the blessings inside it, how it zeroes me in on what counts, what matters. It all matters, I remember once again, all of it. No distinctions. All beautiful beings of equal value in the present moment that stretches inside and outside to infinity.

BTW: Yesterday, I discovered that some scientists are actually saying what some of us have always sensed, as, in fact, COMMONSENSE! — that the universe has no beginning (or end). So, I conclude, not only no “Big Bang” (such a stupid idea), but no “first cause,” nothing outside itself: i.e., NO NEED FOR “GOD.”

The universe IS.

Hmmm. . . Already I feel lighter . . .

Surrendering to Presence, I remind myself to find quotidian ways to lift my own rarely heavy heart, and today, wouldn’t you know, I then came across this hilarious, nasty little Hitler video that I’m titling: “What a waste! Ruling the world used to mean something!”

I dare you not to laugh.

And you know, just writing and sharing this piece also helps lift the heart. YES! Even though a part of me likes to indulge in the “heaviness,” I can sense the mysterious and ever renewing life force sliding back in.

 

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to Morning, February 10, 2015: Noticing, mirroring, making light of this heavy heart.

  1. Kieron says:

    I’ve been feeling like a stranger in a strange land a lot more than usual lately, and more apt to wonder silently, or even out loud, “Why did I come here? These people don’t want to wake up. I just want to go home.”

  2. mary says:

    please keep on keepin’ on (remember that old saying?) – your blog is so inspirational Ann! I’m not yet retired and if I ever have the opportunity to get to that state you are someone I would emulate! I can’t ‘drop out’ of the world run by ‘the man’ yet; one has to be practical when you have kids. Although chances are lessening the world will stay the way it is (recommend reading recent “the burning platform” blog – ZH had it on their site) so maybe we will be pushed into exopermaculture by necessity – and as as result, after the suffering & sacrifice, we may be collectively stronger for it. Or not. 🙂 Hope that ole’ weighty feeling was replaced with a sense of belonging to the here and now; am not sure i agree with O’Leary anyhow – the ego isn’t an enemy either. YOU just being special you is important to the fabric of so many lives.

    • Thanks, Mary! I AM keepin’ on keepin’ on. Today, life is wondrous. Tomorrow? Need to rest in that spaciousness beneath/above the rolling emotional waves that are or are not “caused” by some kind of “outside force” . . .

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