“Letter from Goldman Sachs” re: OWS

Update: I thought it would be obvious that this is satire. Apparently not. See comment below. What strikes me is that this is the kind of language banksters would use to “frame” (in both senses of that word) whatever they wanted to gobble. If you’re still not sure, check the Borowitz Report.
Whee! Thanks to SueM and the Borowitz Report
Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2011 9:15:27 AM
Subject: A Letter from Goldman Sachs, Concerning Occupy Wall Street (OWS)

NEW YORK (Borowitz Report)– The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It is tempting at a time like this to say “Let them eat cake.” Therefore at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

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0 Responses to “Letter from Goldman Sachs” re: OWS

  1. This Goldman Sachs letter seems too contrived and cynically written to be real. I sense it has been created and released by those who want violent revolution not peaceful constructive true financial reform. There are even Goldman Sachs stock owners who believe financial reform is needed. Such reform is best facilitated through a constant re-affirmation that the movement will be peaceful. Do not tolerate the evil voice within us that tells one to hurry because winter is setting in and closing down bodies in the square.

    The single most important focus I think, needs to remain peaceful financial reform following enabling protocols already existent in our US Constitution. tinyurl.com/3fa94u8 We can retire the National Debt and hold the line on inflation while addressing over arching concern of employment.

    Conservative media is rushing to define public perception of OWS with images of global violence in Europe and calling it all “OWS.”

    Think Kind Thoughts, Pass the Peace and Love.

  2. Doh! Your dedication to truth is beautiful. I love your work. We are kinfolk of the same star.

    Rich

  3. Santa Fe Roger says:

    Ann, I get “Borowitz Report” stories forwarded to me by a friend once in awhile & the site specializes in “satire,” so I think your initial reaction was correct. It’s kind of like a “Colbert Report” schtick in print.

    Sadly, It would not surprise me if Goldman Sachs actually tried to pitch something like the story listed above! It reminds me of the scene out of “Farenheit 911” where seminars were being held to promote all of the “profits” to be made coming from the wars in Afghanistan & Iraq! It was disgusting, but real. Oh yes, war profiteering is such good karma! (satire by me)

    Namaste,

    Santa Fe Roger

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